Kisfiam, miért állsz te egy rakás bunyeváccal, mosónő térdű öregasszonnyal, meg tepsi arcú kisgyerekkel egy háromszáz méteres sorban?
Kérdezhetné édesanyám, ha látna engem. De szerencsére nem lát, a kérdés viszont ettől függetlenül jogos.
Úgy indult, hogy valaki kitalálta, hogy ne itt, hanem háromórányira innen kúrjunk be, már ha a negyvennégyes úton egy román kamionos le nem tarol bennünket, miközben a Gobbi Hilda dédapját előzgetjük egy sárga Moszkvicsban.
Élnek itt is emberek? Kérdezi Samesz, Öcsöd magasságában. Mondjuk előbb láttam egy embert kerékpározni, lendül tovább a beszélgetésében. De hova mehetett? Még kocsmát sem láttam. Hol isznak ezek, Tibi? Vagy leszoktak?
Faszt szoktak le. Válaszol helyettem Tóni. Otthon isznak. Megfőzi hátul a pálinkát, azt megissza a Rosalinda alatt. A körtét. Mert a szilvát már a Híradóra tölti be. Ha elég jól állította be a fokot, úgy elküldi a műsorvezetőt a kurva anyjába, hogy fölgyullad a terítő a tévén. De legalább nincs balhé a kocsmában. Csak a családtagjait tudja leszúrni, de előbb-utóbb azok is elfogynak. Ma viszont, ha mázlink van, ott lesz mindenki Gyulán, majd meglátod, jó kis műsor lesz. Csak siess Tibikém, délben kezd a Kis Grofó!
És mi lesz utána? Kérdi Samesz. Nem mindegy? Egyébként este tizenegykor retro disco lesz DJ Kovács Józsival. Arra csápolhat majd az összeszart hullád.
Fú, ez elég paraszt. Kettő között mi lesz?
Kettő között a Johann Strauss fog vezényelni keringőt, csak neked. De nem sokáig, mert úgy öt perc után a Készenlétis Zoli meg a Baka Misi megunják, felmennek a színpadra, és kettétépik, mint egy rúd szalámit. Tavaly nálunk falunapon délután kettőkor abba kellett hagynia a szintizést a Kocsmáros Ferinek, mert három fiatal gyerek lépett fel autentikus flamencoval. A második percben csak megkérdezte valaki az első sorból, hogy Zolika, mi a faszt csináltok? Zolika volt az autószerelő Laci fia, úgyhogy mindenki jól ismerte. Aztán mikor ezután se hagyták abba, akkor felmentek és kivették a kezükből a gitárt, hogy most már menjetek haza, gyerekek, a Ferit pedig visszaállították a szinti mögé. De érted, Zolikát legalább ismerték, a Strauss, meg aki próbálkozna még itt esetleg erőlködni valami tudományossággal, azt nem tudják ki az, azt fölszeletelik. Úgyhogy te se buzeránskodj, szépen elkezdesz inni, összeszarod magad, közben meg csápolsz a mulatósra, mint a többi tisztességes ember.
Ez pont így is történt, úgyhogy másnap kurva rosszul voltunk.
Kéne valamit enni, vetette fel Tóni, úgyhogy megkérdeztük a szállásadónkat, hogy mik a lehetőségek, hol lehet reggelizni.
Mint II. Erzsébet brit királynő, akinek épp most próbálja megkérni a kezét az Alekosz, úgy nézett ránk.
A pékségben lehet kapni zsemlét. Mondta, miután kicsit összeszedte magát.
Áh, igen, hallottunk már róla. Viszont, folytattam, a hozzánk hasonló sznob köcsögök gyakorta másokkal készíttetik el az ételüket, van, hogy még a reggelijüket is. Pénzért.
Áh, igen, hallott már róla. Biccentett. Ezesetben van három utcányira egy panzió, szerinte ott elképzelhető, hogy lehet ilyet kérni.
Három utcányira a panzióban tényleg lehetett, sőt, teljes volt a készültség, már borzasztóan várták a nagy eseményre távolról érkező vendégeket, mert az összes étlapot, falitáblát, vagy bármit, amin volt ár, leöntötték benzinnel és felgyújtották. Helyette kaptunk egy A4-es papírt, amire rá volt nyomtatva, hogy omlett meg rántotta, meg alatta pár feltét, amiből választani lehetett.
Akkor kérnék szépen egy rántottát hagymával, gombával, sajttal és… Állj! Szakított félbe a pincér, még a kezét is felemelve. Legfeljebb hármat lehet kérni!
Óh! A negyedik már nincs benne az árban… Csóváltam a fejem csalódottan. Így van. Helyeselt. Végül abban maradtunk, hogy ahhoz a számhoz, amit majd kitalálnak, még hozzáadnak háromszázat és akkor kérhetek a rántottámba sonkát is. Samesz kecsöpöt is kért volna, de azt plusz háromszázért sem kaphatott. Nem illik hozzá ugyanis. Világosította fel készségesen pincérünk.
A végén, gondolom kis kupaktanácsot követően arra jutottak, hogy kettőezerötszáz forintot kell kérni tőlünk az olajos, szétszart, gecis rántottájukért, plusz ugye a háromszázat az extráért. Adtunk azért rendesen jattot is, sose legyen jobb napjuk! Valószínűnek tűnt, hogy nem is lesz.
Itt a történet rendben véget is érhetett volna, csakhogy a Tóni, hogy mászna le a torkán egy zebu farka, kitalálta, hogy milyen jól esne nekünk, ha a másnaposságunkat a Gyulai Várfürdőben hevernénk ki.
Mert mi hozzánk, magyarokhoz képest a Csobi, a béka lófasz, úgy szeretünk mi fürdőkbe járni, meg wellnesselni, és arra is nagyon büszkék vagyunk, hogy mások is idejönnek, direkt azért, hogy együtt fetrengjenek velünk valami jó kis termálvízben.
Mivel jó idő volt, különösen sokan vetemedtek arra, hogy pármilliárd Clostridium, Clostridium perfingens, Pseudomonas aeruginosa, Enterococcus, Escherichia coli, Salmonella, Enterococcus faecalis, valamint Legionella társaságában megmerítkezzenek.
Az előttem álló műszálas ingű úriember egyik kezében szatyrot, másikban hűtőtáska-szerű dobozt tartogatott, a nagy erőlködésben meg is izzadt, csurgott a veríték a nyakáról, megnedvesítve az inge alól kikandikáló hosszú fekete szőrszálakat is. Kellemes citrusos, savanyú illata volt a kedves nejének is, aki elkísérte őt ide a közeli Romániából.
Este Cald! Sóhajtotta. Meleg bizony, verném legszívesebben egyetértően hátba, de nem baj, mindjárt egymás mellett ülhetünk a vízben, de jó lesz!
Mivel ráérek, ide-oda cikáznak a gondolataim. Tóni, te szartál ma már? Kérdem, mire mondja, hogy természetesen, a sok cefrétől szétfosta a fajanszot, még a háta is szaros lett! De jó neked Tóni, hogy már kirobbant belőled! Búslakodik Samesz, megtapogatva a hasát. De szerintem kicsit ázok, beindul nekem is.
Kevés közös van bennünk emberekben, de a szarás az egyik. Mégis olyan tartózkodóak vagyunk a témával kapcsolatban, keveset beszélünk róla, alig tudjuk a másikról, ő hogy is csinálja. Hát miért nem lehet megkérdezni egymástól, hogy te, te hogy törlöd ki a szaros valagadat? Hátha tanulhatnánk egymástól.
Megpróbálom elképzelni, hogy az előttem álló kedves pár hogy csinálhatja. Van-e otthon náluk bidé? Nedves törlőkendőt használnak? Mindig lezuhanyoznak utána? Tudnék románul, eskü ebben a pillanatban meg is kérdezném, szevasz, meséld már el kérlek, hogy pucolkodsz ki a szarból? Mi a titkod? Mit teszel érte, hogy a seggedből ne csorogjon bele a szar a számba?
Mire ideáig jutok a gondolattal, sorra is kerülök. Kettőezerhat pénz, alig több, mint egy rántotta, csettintek elégedetten, miközben felveszem az órát. Benti öltözők elfogytak. Figyelmeztet a kedves, mosolygós pénztáros hölgy. Jobbra kimegy, hátul elmegy a medencéknél, jobbra fordul, ott lehet öltöznie. Rendben, nagyon szépen köszönöm, hogy meg tetszik engednie!
Ott, ahol a néni mondta, valóban állt egy épület, rajta két lyukkal, egyik fölött nők, másik fölött férfiak felirat. Bementünk hát a második lyukon, de bemehettünk volna az elsőn is, mert mindkettő ugyanabba a helyiségbe vezetett, baszódjál meg! Ott aztán ott volt mindenki: öreg néni, kicsi bácsi, nagy kisfiú, Ibus csoport, román vándorcirkusz, a Fradi B-közép ott vetkezett mind egymás hegyén hátán! Ez ugyan még nekünk is ment volna, csak utána, utána hova tegyük a ruhánkat? Egyik románnak a bevásárlószatyrába? A földre? Vigyük be a vízbe a fejünk fölé tartva? Ezt kérdeztük az egyik ott ruhát váltó embertársunktól, aki azt mondta, hogy keressük meg a narancssárga pólós fickót, az tud adni öltözőkulcsot.
Hát, ez a narancssárga pólós nem rajonghatott az ötletért, hogy megtalálják, alig bírtuk előkeríteni. Amikor viszont megvolt, se sok hasznát vettük, mert nem tudott öltözőkulcsot adni. Elfogyott, mondta. De nem baj! Tette hozzá, adjuk oda a dolgainkat, mint mások, mert majd ő elteszi, aztán mikor végeztünk, kérjük el tőle.
Tehát, vettem górcső alá a javaslatot, amennyiben pár óra pancsizást követően úgy döntenék, hogy hazamegyek, egyszerűen megkereslek, és megkérlek, hogy kérlek szépen adj vissza nekem egy barna pénztárcát, egy kék pólót és Opel slusszkulcsot, és akkor te odaadod? Igen. Bólint határozottan. Értem, és ha visszajövök, és kérek egy fekete pénztárcát, egy piros pólót, meg egy Audi kulcsot, akkor te azt is odaadod?
Azt kell kérni, amit leadtál. Gondolta végig ő is a problémát. Igen ez, egyértelmű. De mi van, ha mégis valakinek – tévedésből – az én kulcsomat adod oda, és megtetszik neki? Valóban, nem tökéletes a rendszer, ismerte el.
Ennek én nagyon megörültem. Nem kell befeküdnöm a sok büdös paraszt közé a vízbe!
Hatalmas mosollyal az arcomon visszatértem a bejárathoz, és megkértem a kedves, aranyos kasszás nénit, hogy adja vissza a belépőm árát. Elvi okokból! Tettem hozzá még nagyobb mosollyal.
Fű! Hát, hogy ilyet mert kérni tőle valaki, picit dühös lett. Már megvette! És be is ment!
Nyilván nem várhatja az ember, hogy könnyen le lehessen győzni a főellenséget, épp a lényeg veszne oda, úgyhogy fölgyűrtem az ingem ujját, és részletesen, szemléletes módon kifejtettem, hogy a pénzemért a remélt szolgáltatást nem tudtam igénybe venni, melynek a legfőbb korlátja az volt, hogy nem tudok átöltözni, és nem akarnék annak a sok kedves lábgombás bácsinak farmerostúl az ölébe feküdni.
Akkor kérem a blokkot! Verte vissza könnyedén a támadásomat.
A blokk az benne hever abban a kukában ott, a kedves Önnek a lábánál, amibe a másodperc tört része alatt bele tetszett dobni. Még sajnos ezzel sem győztem le, megmakacsolta magát, hogy blokk nélkül akkor sem lehet pénzt visszaadni. Ezt sajnos jól beleprogramozták, ezt nagyon tudta.
De itt már nem lehetett feladni. A kuka tartalmával kapcsolatban megjegyeztem, hogy nyúljon bele, nyolcvan százalék, hogy egy felnőtt napijegyet fog belőle kihúzni, az lesz az enyém mondjuk.
Nem. Azért sem. Nem fogom. Az nem az Öné. Az Öné kell.
Nabazmeg. Mindig ez van. Megpróbálhatod te ezeket firmányosan, elegánsan legyőzni, de nem, nem lehet.
Hivatallal való fenyegetőzés. Ám legyen, sóhajtok. Hogy lehet, hogy sokkal több belépőt adtak el, mint ahány öltőzőkabin van, pedig az öltözőkabinok száma nem-e egyenlő e nagyjából az engedélyezett létszámmal-e, és mit szólna ehhez a hivatal-e, akit én erről megkérdeznék?
Persze a faszom se tudja, melyik hivatal illetékes, de nem is érdekes. Megfogtam. Telefonálni kezdett. Közben már úgy néztek rám az emberek a sorban, hogy semmi szükség nem volt rá, hogy ki is mondják a szájukkal, hogy mit gondolnak rólam.
Igen. Egy férfi aggályoskodik. Igen. Telefonál a nő tőlem fél méterre, miközben méreget. Én mondtam neki. Igen, a blokkot is. Persze, tudom. Mondtam persze. Nem, sajnos… Igen, itt áll. A hivatalt emlegeti, hogy a létszám… Igen, de hát… Igen, a létszámot, hogy többen vannak… Hogy adjam vissza??? De a blokk… Akkor keressük meg? Megkérdezem mikor jött… Értem… Rendben…
Leteszi. Na, most kereshetem meg a maga blokkját….
Maguk pedig ne várjanak! Fordul a sor felé. Ez az Úr elintézte Önöknek, hogy ne jöhessenek be!
Menjenek haza, aztán feküdjenek be tízesével a retkes fürdőkádjukba!
De ezt már én teszem hozzá.
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