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Rózsabimbó (retro)

A következő, tizenhárom évvel korábbi történet ma már nagyon másképp zajlik. Most, ha huszonöt feletti pénzesebb, vagy annak tűnni akaró férfiak találkoznak, akkor elsőként azt vitatják meg, hogy kinél mi van, vagy ki mit tud szerezni és mennyi idő alatt. Akkor is, ha kedd van és ebédidő.

Márpedig találkoznak most is, csak szállodákban vagy ismerős éttermében, amit nekik kinyitnak.

Betáraztam most. Mondja az egyik ötvenes férfi, köldökig kigombolt szürke ingben. Asztalon előtte vödörben van jégben hűtött prosecco, olasz fehérbor és kitöltve mindenkinek egy grappa. Ez összesen további négy főt jelent az asztal körül, akikhez most odalép egy pincér.

Nem vagyok most éhes, Lacikám. Mondja neki a betárazott férfi. De azért valamit hozzál, mondjuk egy branzinot grillezve, olyan zöldségizén, meg pár fésűkagylót. De tényleg nem kell sok, mondom nem vagyok éhes, megint ott fogom hagyni az egészet. Zolikám, te meg nem ehetsz megint papfojtó tésztát, nem lehet állandóan tésztát zabálni. Egyél te is branzinót. Jó, akkor ne egyél, baszódjál meg, dögölj meg akkor a szaroddal, ha egyszer nem tudsz valami egészségeset enni.

A lényeg, hogy van most nálam több is. Ez itt várjál, nyúl be az ing mellzsebébe, ez, ez mondjuk pont nem olyan jó. Ennél energolos szőkített olajba áztatták a kokacserjéket. De legalább van belőle sok. Ez már jobb, szép rögös, nézd, de masszív, azt kell mondjam. Ezzel óvatosan, mert 95%-os tisztaságú. Ilyen téglában hozzák be hajók alján, Turecz intézte. Ez meg, hú ez vad. Ez nagyon fel van ütve, geci lidokainos, úgyhogy ne nyalogassad, mert lezsibbad a fejed tőle. Szóval ez egy ilyen cuvée, azt mondanám. Ha nagyon fáradt vagy, vagy valami. Na, ez meg ugyanaz, amit hajón hoztak, de ez a Tóni orrából esett ki múltkor zártkörű misén a Mátyás-templomban. Úgyhogy ez ilyen eszmei értékű, ezt el is teszem inkább.

Szóval van így nálam, mennyi ez így, tíz? Veszi szemügyre a pakkokat a kokasommelier. Ne rendeljünk még? Szerintem menjünk biztosra, Fater is jön még. Tudtok valakit? És az jó? Mennyi idő alatt van itt? Áh, az sok. Szólok én az emberemnek, remélem ráér. Az fél óra és itt van. Ő viszi az Ádáméknak is, mondja már telefonnal a fülén. Szevasz, vagy? Remek. Itt vagyunk az Aranyban. Egy tízesre gondoltam a múltkoriból. Igen? Az is jó. Mi? Néz a vele szemben ülőre. Tizenöt, tizenöt inkább. De lehet húsz is, nem baj. Majd lesz valahogy. Jó, akkor mikorra érsz ide? Remek, jó van. Gyere.

Na, ez jó lesz, meglátjátok. Mondja és tölt magának megkönnyebbülten egy pohár prossecot.

Csajt hívjunk? Ne, mi? Laci? Jó, most én se érzem.

A múltkori az jó volt? Nem emlékszel? Én se nagyon.

Jó, akkor talán majd később. Megbeszéljük.

Gyerek úgyis mindjárt ideér.

Van nekem az egyik főnököm, a Tóni. Több helye is van, ebből a legtöbb csak azért, hogy legyen hol üldögélnie a szellemi bajtársaival. Illetve részben a könyvelője tanácsára.

Meg ha már beülök valahová, az legyen az enyém, szokta mondogatni.

Tegnap is összegyűltek a babérkoszorús cimboráival, hogy ne unatkozzanak, aztán hívott engem is, gondolom, hogy a végén hazavigyem. Mire odaértem, már a galérián ültek és táplálkoztak. A spanja, a Csicsák Márió tégla vastagon kente a tatárt az ujjnyira megvajazott piritósra, majd előrenyúlt egy rántotthúsért is, hogy rátegye a tetejére, miközben a fux a nyakában belelógott a pörköltjébe.

Mikor rendesen betápoltak, egyikük elővett egy akkora szivart, mint a faszom, leharapta a végét és beleköpte a maradék somlóiba.

Így üldögéltünk lassan másfél órája, mikor megszólalt a Tóni, hogy kéne egy picsa. Tónikám, milyen picsa kell, kerek vagy szögletes, kérdezte a Kenyőc, akinek olyan pimpes fényeslépője volt, hogy az orra egy zsiráf szemét is kiszúrta volna. Stricipellő, mondogatta és kibaszott büszkén vigyorgott hozzá a retardáltja, mert az amerikai filmekből úgy vette ki, hogy aki kurvákat futtat, annak feltétlen ilyenben kell járnia.

Picsa. Nekem mindegy. Mondta a Tóni, úgyhogy Kenyőc már telefonált is, hogy Szandrácskám idegyere hozzánk, feladat van, picsádat mossad meg. Letette és elégedetten mondta, hogy ez egy olyan fullos picsa, hogy ilyen csak neki van, meg hogy kicsit ilyen egzotikumos. Szandrácska félóra múlva betipegett, kibaszott egy ostoba feje volt, de akkora csöcse mint a víziló feje. Állj fel ide szépen és táncikáljál, mondta neki Kenyőc az meg nem sokat gondolkodott a dolgon, mert már rajta is állt az asztalon a narancsbőrös valagával. Milyen a picsája? kérdezgette a Kenyőc, mert geci büszke volt, hogy kirántott a telepről egy szutykot, és ráállította az asztalunkra. Jó, jó neki, mondta a Márió, és láttam, hogy az asztal alatt már tördeli a szafaládé vastagságú ujjait, amiken volt vagy negyven pecsétgyűrű. Mér nem fogod meg a picsáját, Máriókám, olyan markolata van, így van-e Szandrácska, dőlj előre hagy lássuk szépen a picsádat. Márió erre pisztolyt formázott a mutató és középső ujjával, a hüvelykkel meg mérte az irányt meg a távot, miközben borasztóan koncentrált, majd beszart a megfeszülésbe, aztán váratlanul elsütötte a fegyvert, beszúrva a mutató meg a középső ujját a csaj seggébe. A szerencsétlen erre összeesett, leborulva az asztal alá. Végén az ügyeletet is ki kellett hívni, azok vitték el.

Tényleg szép picsája volt, mondta Márió utána fordulva, mikor kivitték az ajtón.

Tóni közben még kicsit tunkolta a somlóit, amibe az egyikük beköpte korábban a szivarvéget. Kéne kúrni, mondta közben. Nem várta meg a választ, mer már folytatta is, hogy tegnap voltam kúrni.

Mondták van egy csaj, kurós. de nem csak az, hanem mazo is. Érted mazo, arra élvez, ha verik… Ilyen mazocsaj, érted. Megyünk föl, már fönt vagyunk, erre mondja, hogy üssem majd meg. Már ha majd kurunk. Merthogy ilyen mazo. Élvezi, ha verik. De csak ha kurják közben!

Hát mondom, nem tudom, mert mi van, ha már azt mondod, hogy ne üsselek, de arra gondolsz, hogy de mégis, vagy fordítva. Erre azt mondja, hogy pont ezért van ilyen vezényszó. Hogyha azt mondja, akkor tudom én, hogy már ne üssem, addig meg üssem. Azt kúrjam. A vezényszó meg legyen a rózsabimbó. Mondom rózsabimbó, jól van.

Úgyhogy elkezdtem kúrni, kúrom hátulról, azt mondja, üssem meg. Ismertek, nem nagyon ütök meg nőt, csak ha nagyon kell, de hát ez meg élvezi is, hát megütöttem. Erre azt mondja ne így, erősebben! Hát akkor erősebben ütöttem meg. Azt mondja ez az! Hát akkor érted, gyúrok meg minden, olyat rábasztam, hogy visszapattant a feje az ágyvégről. Azt mondja, hagyd abba! Mondom igen? Hagyjam abba? Dirr, bazmeg! Kurva anyád! Már lendíteném a kezem újra, erre felpattan és szipogva bekucorodik a sarokba, hogy hülye vagy, miért nem hagytad abba?

De mondom, ha nem volt jó, miért nem mondtad a vezényszót?

Aszondja, mert elfelejtette.

Nem semmi, mondta erre a fószer, aki korábban a szivarvéget köpdöste, most meg a fülében vájkált a terepjárója slusszkulcsával. Szerintem máskor találjatok ki valami egyszerűbbet, javasolta.

Vagy kúrj süketet. Annak mindegy, mit mondasz.

 

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