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Tibi nem ül be

Tibikém, szervusz, töltsél magadnak is valamit!

Mondja a képernyő túloldalán egy pókhasú, kreolbőrű férfi fehér fecskében, előtte számos kibontott üveggel. A Csicsák Márió.

De hülye vagyok, bazmeg, hát te otthon vagy! De van mit innod? Biztos? Ne rendeljek neked valamit a tesz-vesz futárról? Pedig muszáj lenne rendelnem valamit, mert ha egy napig nem rendelek, akkor a biztonság kedvéért felhívnak, hogy élek-e még.

Pedig élek, Tibikém, látod! Úgyhogy ez is egy jó év volt, ebben sem haltam meg! Én tudom, hogy nehéz volt, meg minden, de én az ilyen apró örömökre koncentrálok, például, hogy nem kell orrszőrt nyírni, mert úgysem látják a maszk alatt! Itthon meg, ha látják is, se érdekel senkit, már úgy értem, hogy engem. Meg mióta átestem a covidon, hálistennek, és nincsen szaglásom, olyan vidáman megyek be reggel a Marika után a toalettre, miután elvégezte a dolgát, hogy csípőre csapom a kezeimet és mélyet szívok a levegőből! Mint az Alpokban, Tibikém, bazdmeg!

De jó, hogy látlak végre! Jó ez a Zoom, nem? Magyar! Gyerekkoromban ki gondolt ilyenekre, hogy föltalálják, főleg a magyarok! Most meg a gyerekek is már ezen tanulnak, tudtad? Múltkor is megyek be a nagyobbikhoz, hogy megkérdezzem, hogy van fönt instán a kis osztálytársa, a Szimonette, mert megnézném, milyen aranyos, mikor látom, hogy ül a gép előtt és egy ilyen középkorú, barna, harmincas nőhöz beszél, kardigánban. Mondom neki, Renátó, ne legyél spúr, küldjél neki pénzt, magától nem vetkőzik le! Na, ekkor tudtam meg, hogy már nem csak a kurvák webkameráznak, hanem a tanárnők is! Hát még a végén az oktatási miniszer is tele lesz, mint a Gattyán!

Viszont én közben töltök még magamnak, Tibikém, mert mindjárt üres lesz a poharam, attól meg szomorú leszek. Pedig nincs okunk szomorkodni, Tibikém! Étterem is jól megy, hálistennek! Én csak olyat tartok, amit nem csak a turisták esznek, pontosabban azok nem is nagyon esznek meg! Nálam az étterembe az életben egyszer voltak turisták, egy eltévedt japán csoport, ezen kívül egy sem! Erre nagyon büszke vagyok, egyébként.

Nekem a szakács hiány sem okozott problémát, mert főleg panírozni kell tudni, de azt nagyon. Azt viszont meg tudja tanulni bárki, ha nem tudott volna magától, legyen mozdonyvezető, nyugdíjas kormányhivatalnok, pakisztáni, bárki, csak gyakorolni kell. Először fakockákon, teniszlabdán, és ha azt már jól ki tudják rántani, akkor lehet az ételekkel is szórakozni! Nálam a panírfőnök, a Zsoltika már öt éve dolgozik, iszonyatosan tud panírozni, de rá is rá kell nézni néha, mert múltkor a mirelit rántott halrudakat is bepanírozta, úgyhogy volt egy négyes értékelésünk is a Netpincéren.

Úgyhogy mondom, minket szerencsére annyira ez a járvány dolog nem érintett, meg alkalmazkodtunk is, van most már nálunk pizza is, mert szeretik azt otthon elrágcsálni a dobozból az emberek! Annyira olasz egyébként, hogy a tésztafelelős Ferike a Juventusnak drukkol! Viszik is, sőt még rólam is van elnevezve Pizza! Csicsák Pizza! Tíz feltétet lehet kérni belőle, de kell lennie közte virslinek is! Az ujjaim miatt, ha már rólam van elnevezve, ugye!

Bezzeg a belvárosban szenvednek, Gerendai is szomorú, inkább tőlem rendelnek virslis pizzát, mint tőle márnás céklahabos zsuflét. Gondoltam, legalább anyám most boldog, aki az Arany Jánosban lakik, mert mindig sír, hogy hangos, meg sok a turista! De most is sír! Most meg, hogy az ingyenes parkolás miatt egész nap keringenek az autók a tök kihalt utcákban! Mondtam is neki, hogy a faszomat sírsz már állandóan, pénzed sincsen, szültél is már, mi kell még, bazmeg?

Inkább koncentráljon ő is a jó dolgokra! Kijutott a fradi a béelbe! Mostanában amúgy is fradi meccsre illik járni, a Vipbe, ha úriember vagy! Tudják ezt a kislányok is, aztán akik régen este tizenegykor dülöngéltek be a Bobba, hogy magukba rakjanak valakit, most már délután elkezdik a sminkelést, hogy kiérjenek a kezdőrúgásra! De jó is egyébként, mert én mondjuk nem szeretem a focit, de ott nem is kell nézni, elég, ha szépen föl vagy öltözve, és van nálad kokó!

Viszont múltkor egyszer megfordultam, és nagyon meglepődtem, amit a pályán láttam! Mondtam is mellettem a Gabinak, hogy te, bazmeg, miért ilyen sápadt a kapusotok? Azt mondja erre, hogy mert az magyar! Magyar bazmeg, hűltem el teljesen, hát miért teszitek ezt vele, hát hogy érezheti magát az öltözőben? Elfogyott a pénzetek kapusra? Akkor legalább egy csokicsőbe fizessétek be! Én se azért vagyok ilyen barna, mert cigány vagyok, hanem attól függetlenül! Mert 2002-ben elmentem az Örsön egyszer hat percre befeküdni a csökicsőbe!

Viszont, a marketingesetek az nagyon jó, bólintottam elismerően. Ott az a krapek is, aki félmeztelenül a haverja nyakában ül, a hátán egy panzer tankkal, aztán ha otthon a híradóban meglát egy ilyen színeset a kerítésnél állva, szatyorral a kezében, akkor meglökdösi a tévét, az asszonyt meg megrázza. Ti meg adtok rá egy focimezt, meg egy nyolcszámjegyű fizetést, és nézd meg, máris hogy örül neki!

Ráadásul jól kibasztatok a köcsög lilákkal is, mi? Hogy volt régen? Lipcsei Peti, te lófejű geci? Na most kiabáljanak ilyeneket, miután lebetűzték a hátukról a nevüket!

Amúgy Tibikém, tudnod kell, hogy járok én másik meccsre is, a Mezőkövesdére. Oda ugyanis pénzt kell vinnünk az üzlettársammal. Muszáj, azt mondja, mert ha már sajnos nem segítenek, de legalább ne is ártsanak! Mert az senkinek nem jó. Oda viszont másképp kell kiöltözködni, mert ott is van egy sikk! Ezek ugyanis ilyen régi vágású üzletemberek. Úgy értsed, hogy ahogy a sátánisták is megfordítják a templom falán a keresztet, úgy fordították meg ezek is a fiókjukban a Munkás-paraszt Hatalomért emlékérmüket! Úgyhogy Mezőkövesd meccsre kigombolom köldökig a fekete ingem, nyakamba akasztok egy BMW medálos láncot, és fölkapok egy lezser püspöklila zakót, mint mindenki.

Azért az Andris így is gyorsan kiszúr minket, vagy inkább a táskánkat, aztán siet a kis téeszes lábain érte. Elején furcsa volt, hogy ott a lelátón kell neki odaadni, hát mondtam neki, hogy Andris, legalább a félidőben a kezdőkörben, anyám is hadd lásson a tévében! Ahogy régen tizenegyeseket rúgtak a szurkolók a tartalék kapusnak, most pénzt adnának neked! Hát mégiscsak jobb program, nem? Azt mondanánk, hogy utánpótlásra adom, hogy a hatodik szilvapálinkára még tudjál venni egy hetediket is a büfében! De amúgy jó program ez is, mert itt sem kell meccset nézni, meg nem is nagyon tudnád, hogy mit nézel, még az edző se nagyon ismeri a játékosokat, meg ők se biztos, hogy egymást. Lehet, múlt héten még Kazahsztánban a kecskék után futottál, most meg az oldalvonal mellett kék-sárgában, jövő héten meg Braziliában halat sütsz a parton! Ki tudja!

Arra kell viszont figyelni, hogy hülyéket nem szabad kérdezni. Elején sajnos még nekem sem ment, úgyhogy így két fröccs között megpendítettem, hogy máskor adhatnánk szegény, éhező gyerekeknek is pénzt. Na, erre csúnyán néztek rám, az egyik csávó, akinek rendes bazaltbányája van, ki is oktatott, hogy egyrészről, nincsenek szegények, főleg gyerekben, de ha még lennének is, minek akarnék pénzt adni nekik? Szerintem mit tudnának elintézni, ha még magukon se tudtak segíteni? Hát Tibikém, nem is véletlen vitték ilyen sokra, hogy ilyen okosakat beszélnek a világról!

Én annak is örülök, hogy mindig verbális háborúban állunk valakivel. Hát mi másban álljunk? Nekem nincs azzal semmi bajom, neked is a kurva anyádat, Tibikém! Csak ide már ne gyere pofozkodni! Hát jobb, mint régen a lövészárokban, feküdni, nem? Főleg nekem, ekkoraként, hát mi esélyem volna nekem a harctéren? Még az is eltalálna, aki máshova céloz.

Este ti mit csináltok? Én nem tudom, csak, hogy iszom. Meg nosztalgiázom! Milyen jó volt régen, mikor Ausztriában voltunk, részegen síelni, este meg részegen petárdázni! Aztán, hogy eltévedtem a pályaszálláson, hogy az nem igaz! De borzasztóan megörültem, mikor megtaláltam végre a lábnyomaimat a hóban! Meg aztán ti is engem!

Úgyhogy vannak jó dolgok, Tibikém, nem kell mindig panaszkodni! Meg kell látni a szépet és a jót a világban magad körül!

Nézd csak meg, 25 éves Talisker, és még van az üveg alján!

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      =====
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    • Alanna Noyes

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    • Yetta Burnside

      Hey,

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    • Fausto McDonell

      Hey,

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      =====
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    • Heriberto Ogrady

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      Williams B
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      ======
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